Monday, February 6, 2012

What's NOT up?

I think it's kinda funny when people say, "Hey, what's up?" or "How's it going" or "How ya been?" or just plain 'ol "How are you?" Do people really wanna know. 9 times out of 10 it's a courtesy question; a filler for dead space when you're facing someone and you can't really say something like, "Wow, I can't believe you wore that shirt in public" or "adult acne is really hitting you hard."

The problem with me is I have hard time being genuine when I say, "I'm okay" because a lot of the time I am not okay. In fact 9 times out of 10 when I am asked one of those questions I want to scream and whine and complain and cry and, yes, sometimes, I would like to curl into the fetal position and suck my thumb. But, I don't. Instead I say, "Not much" or "I'm DANDY" or my favorite go-to reply, "I'm hanging in there."

"Hanging in there" has a lot of different meanings for a lot of different people. For me it means I live in a constant state of "to-do"s and lists and halfway done projects. If ever there was a case for adult ADD, I maintain it's all the mothers around the world who are so constantly busy that they start one thing, but then have to start something else before the first thing is completed. I find myself overwhelmed at the magnitude of my own expectations and deathly afraid of letting down everyone else. [People pleasing is an issue of mine, I've decided.] I pretty much do everything SORTA well (or SORTA crummy if you wanna be a half-empty-glass kind of person: laundry is washed and SORTA folded and put away; homework is done but SORTA doesn't make it back into the folder and/or backpack; chores are done SORTA; kids are fed SORTA good food (thank you for cheese and tortillas); lesson plans are SORTA done (if you count the really good ones floating around in my mind.) Sometimes I am cool with SORTA; other times SORTA bugs me and I get all wah wah wah about my life . . .Just a heads up for anyone else reading this who may be relating in any fashion. The way wah wah's usually end up with the bishopric counselor drops by when I am SORTA already ready for bed and says "Hey, how's it going" and I say, "Hanging in there" and then he says, "I want you to talk in church on simplifying your life...." And I SORTA want to hit him in the face, but I can't BECAUSE I NEED TWO HANDS TO HANG IN THERE!!!!

So, yeah, this week (and last) I have been trying to figure how to *SIMPLIFY* and avoid excesses. Thus far I avoided excesses when I did not eat the entire container of chocolate covered raisins at my mom's while watching Downton Abbey... that counts, right? Avoiding excesses is tricky when there's 5 kids (that's excessive. it is. I get that.) Avoiding excesses is hard when you're bred to be productive and industrious and the best and giving and, well, you know, all that jazz. I did call the choir director of my community choir and ask to have a break for this season because I just couldn't hold on to one more thing. What's really sad, though, is that when I think about simplifying, that's one thing that lifted me up instead of adding weight to my shoulders. In all fairness, one less "have to be [somewhere]. . ." is a lift in and of itself. I have been going to the gym and trying to lose some poundage before a much needed couples trip to Hawaii, but I have managed to not be excessive there (hmmm... maybe not such a good example.)

Bottom line, when people wanna know "what's up with Sarah" it's basically the same stuff. I am trying to keep my nose to the ground and take care of my family, be a good teacher, and a semi-decent person. If I seem to be "hanging in there" when you ask how I'm doing, just know I have no intentions of letting go.