Tuesday, April 21, 2009

When the Nightengale Sings

There is a bird that lives near my house that sings at night. I don't really know what kind of bird it is, but when I am up late at night I hear it chirp, chirp, chirping and I really like it. Since it's been so nice the past few nights, our windows have been open and since I have had the joy of being up late laundering, I have really appreciated the company. Me and the nightengale (or some species like unto it.)

Tonight I went with some girlfriends to see 17 Again. I enjoy Zac Efron. Apparantly more when he's playing the part of a high schooler than when he plays the part of a grown man in a high schooler's body. It kinda made me nervous when the high schooler was trying to make out with the mom or the daughter was growling at him. I dunno if I just spoiled the whole movie, but overall I enjoyed it and the funny sidekick friend made the show.

Anyway, because my Coke Zero will now keep me up for awhile until I force myself to bed in 15 minutes, I thought I'd actually post. It's better than washing more blankets and outerware from our fun camping trip to Coral Pink with my sister and her in-law family. (More on that to come one day . . . or I'll just link you to her blog when she does up her whamdy-dandy post that she does every year. Which reminds me. I need to send her pics. ANYWAY)

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot of pondering. I will concede that it's one of the blessings of going to the gym, more thinking time. I have had some particularly interesting conversations lately, celebrated a very personal Easter this year, have re-thought about our church's General Conference this spring more than I normally do, and I have been thinking about my family and my friends a lot. Somehow, all these things bring me back to myself and where I am in my life. I think it's interesting to reflect on how my expectations of where I would be today are completely different than where I really am. This happens consistently in my life. I'll project about my future and then once arriving there, I'll look back and see how truly off I apparantly was. I used to think it was annoying and preturbing to have a plan (or, in my family we call it, a vision) and then have something totally "screw" it up and voila! I'm in the middle of someone else's plan . . . not the one I had scripted so well a while before.

In one week Briggs will turn one year old. I canNOT believe how quickly the time has passed and how much his little presence has changed my life. It's not really a secret that Briggs' pregnancy wasn't planned. In fact, regretably, I made it very clear in the beginning weeks of my 5th pregnancy that I was irritated/frustrated/saddened/overwhelmed by the whole "debaucle." And I say "regretably" because I can recognize all those emotions were stemming from me being all bent out of shape that "my vision" of moving to the next stage; of getting back to teaching in a couple of years; of non-baby life was not going to work out. It wasn't until I almost lost Briggs with a placental hematoma that I was humbled enough to remember that as much as I have "my vision" it's really more about HIS plan. And it was God's plan to send me one more precious little boy. It was a gift that I didn't know I needed. In fact, I was ready to return the gift at first . . . maybe exchange it for a present that I thought I would be better, like Tyler getting another raise or something more shallow and immediate. I'm pretty sure I shared this before, but my mom gave me a quote when I found out I was expecting from Richard G. Scott that talks about how sacrificing our desires and genuinely meaning 'thy will be done' brings a power and blessing to us that is beyond ourselves. That has been so abundantly clear to me the past year. Granted, being pregnant is a pretty easy thing to throw your hands up in the air and say, "well, whatever, thy will be done, apparantly!!!" but I do know that when I sincerely began to believe that, I did feel my life was blessed. I do know that all the things I worried about by bringing one more spirit into our family are small in comparison of the knowledge that I will have an eternity of blessings by being Briggs' mother. I do know that my worrying about being able to be stretched too far in my capacities because, thankfully, my capacity has increased (only through my Heavenly Father's help, I guarantee!) I do know that all the logistics I worried about (money, baby supplies sold-off in my 'we're-so-done-having-babies-stage', 1:5 ratio, etc.) have some how just seemed to "work out." I also know that this past year has gone so amazingly fast and as much as I try to envision what the next years will entail for us, I might as well just practice a little more trust that HIS plan for me is way better than any vision I can come up with.

So I think that's why I think Briggs is my best boyfriend (I know, Erin, you hate that phrase.) I have learned so much in this experience of being his mom. Of course, I love everything from kissing the crook of his neck to picking his boogers (whatever . . . every mom knows that satisfaction) and all the tickles and laughs and new discoveries in between. All my kids have taught me such valuable lessons; I need to be more appreciative of them and it's nights like tonight, while I listen to the nightengale sing, that I am able to really think about them and be grateful.


Kathy said...

I was just hinking about Briggs the other day and couldn't remember how old he is. Man, that was a fast year! I've also learned the hard way not to hold too tight to MY plans.

Babs said...

What a beautiful post. I needed a reminder about giving up MY plans for HIS. Seems I just keep having to relearn the same lesson through each turn in the road.

chanel said...

awwww, sarah this is such a beautiful post. i love you. you really are an amazing person and mother! your children are so blessed to have you and watch how you make everything work out.

Stac said...

This is a really good post. It's so cute to see the pictures and see him change.