How do you describe a really good cake?

I can't remember when it all started. Perhaps it was when I was 6 and learned the "oi" sound. Perhaps it was when I reached the pubescent age . . . and so did my friends and classmates and there were odiferous emissions from certain teenage body parts. Maybe it was when I had time to think about things that really bug me. I s'pose when doesn't really matter, but somewhere along the line I discovered I really hate the world "MOIST."

Ew. Just writing it makes me cringe. Really. I kinda vomit a little in my mouth any time I hear someone say it. And let me explain why.

Words have meaning. The word moist means: damp, humid, soggy, wet, clammy, tacky. Fine. There is a couple of situations were "moist" is appropriate and it doesn't really offend me. For example: the weather. Sometimes there is moisture in the air and it is fine to note so (like the time one of our friends said during the church opening prayer for my benefit, "We thank the for the moist . . . for the moisture." And yes, I shuddered when he said moist, but conceded that his use of moisture was appropriate considering the summer monsoons we had been having that year.) Another time when "moist" is fitting: when talking about dark, dank places . . . and that could mean bodily places OR creepy, icky basements. I mean, really, people. We all know crotches, armpits, and basement corners are "moist." Gross, right!? Nothing good comes with the word moist. Moist underwear = bad. Moist carpet = vomit. Moist shower = mold. Moist armpits = humidity. Moist air = rain (okay, I already said this one isn't as offensive, but still.) It's not a word we should say.

BUT WE DO!!! If we can all agree on the meaning of "moist," then why do people insist on calling food "moist"? There are plenty of words to describe a really delicious cake. There ya go, I just gave you a replacement word, "delicious." or "decadent." or "delightful." (It doesn't have to start with a "d" either.) If a cake is good, we all know it's good tasting AND the texture is great. We don't have to differentiate. When's the last time you had a cake that was good enough to make you comment, "This cake is SOO good; I think this cake is perfect; I am normally not a cake person, but I would eat this whole thing; BUT THE CAKE IS FALLING APART DRY." !!!!???? You don't say that EV-VER!! Let the "This cake is SOO good; I think this cake is perfect; I am normally not a cake person, but I could eat this whole thing" stand alone. Why must people then say, "AND THE CAKE IS SO MOIST!" ???????? That is like an oxymoron. A cake is not moist. Because a soggy, damp, tacky cake would be NASTY. As nasty as the word MOIST.

Anyway, this aversion to the "M" word is a common known issue with me. So much so that my friends Leslie and Melissa thought it would be worth their money to purchase this beauty from their local Walgreens:

And yes, Melissa tied a ribbon around it a la Relief Society. That's how you know you have good friends. They buy you stuff that they know will make you gag and then literally present it at family history club. I love 'em.

{And PLEASE do not let me go on about the disgusting nature of this dog treat. Puke Me People!} I know I'm not alone in this. I can't be. In fact, when pressed on this issue, I have never had someone tell me a way to use the word "moist" that explains something good . . . logically. Like I said, CAKE should NOT be described as MOIST because of what MOIST really means. (Anyone work for Duncan Hines . . . I think they have a moist brand of cake mixes.) Can anyone tell me of anything good that is moist? Anyone? Crickets? Thank you! Let's stop this nonsense. Nast. Nasty. {{Shiver}}