Monday, June 2, 2008

Disturbing foliage

Okay. I don't know if this is an appropriate post, so if you offend easily, scroll down and read something a little more wholesome and sweet. I am disturbed by our desert landscaping. Very disturbed, actually, and I know it's only my sick lil mind that would notice this kind of thing. However, I see it every day and I hate it all the more. Firstly, we have desert landscaping which is not my favorite, but it came with the house and we love the house. When we moved in there was an array of cacti in the front that we have speculated was lifted from some BLM illegally by the previous owner due to the maturity of the cacti. Now, I'm not a stickler for the law against taking protected plantlife from government land, but WHY would anyone choose these plant to put in their front yard??? I would like to say it's the safety of my children that I'm worried about, and yes, when Brock stuck his hand on the barrel cactus last week I was a little preturbed, but more than anything I am totally disturbed by the phallic nature of our cacti. Yes, I just said phallic. We have these cacti that each summer "bloom" by sprouting these ginormous stamen-looking rods from the center of the plant. Okay, bad enough, right, but then at the tip top of the rods all these white flowers sprout and bloom. It is pert-near pornographic plantlife, I swear! JUST SO YOU KNOW, we paid to have these babies removed when we redid our back yard a couple years ago. Apparantly they're so mature that the roots grew brand new cacti in their place that are bigger and stronger and still sporting the plant penis. So, basically every year these rods appear and I roll my eyes and try to be grateful for desert landscaping (which is useless because, let's face it, it's UGLY), but THIS year, our barrel cactus totally hit puberty and has all these buds that bloom with these white flowers (which are kinda pretty) at the very top, too. I guess we should feel lucky to have happy plants, but I feel a little guilty that I have a naughty enough mind to think "stupid penis cactus" when I drive up to my home (or is that "stupid peni cacti" since there are more than one of them?) Oh well. I have taken some pictures so you can witness the inappropriateness of our front yard but some of the blooming rods are masked by the normal non-sexual trees that grow behind them. See if you feel as violated as me.
The barrel cactus has closed it's blooms by the time I took these pictures at sunset; apparantly it's partial to morning blossoms.

And just so you know, sometimes these plants bloom with TWO rods that shoot straight up in the air with even more buds. Totally. In. Appropriate. Plants. YUCK!

20 comments:

Tristen said...

I have not laughed this hard in a long time! Thanks for the good laugh and I am not sure why anyone would want those kind of plants in their yard...

Jerolyn said...

I have honestly never noticed your perverted yard...but I shall now! FUNNY POST!

Beth said...

I'm not a fan of the Desert Landscaping, either. But, now is SO not the time to put in grass. Being ecologolically responsible and all. But, I think your being disturbed by the foliage is more disturbing than the actual foliage!

Jerolyn said...

p.s. I especially liked
peni cati~haha

THE GARYSON FAMILY said...

You are too funny!! I don't think I could have ever come up with that! I SO do not miss Desert Landscaping. Out here, it is green grass, and big green trees everywhere!

Doty6strong said...

I'm glad I am NOT the only one who thinks this way. We had two cacti last year that bloomed after 6 years of nothingness. One shot up around 7-8ft. tall in a matter of days. I could not walk by it without grossing out and thinking, "hung like a horse!" I was so disturbed that I cut it off and dug them both up!!!! True story. I feel for ya.

Belinda said...

Have you heard of Lorainna Bobbit? Just cut the thing off!
VERY funny post.

MollyE said...

I don't know if that could even be classified as foilage.

robin said...

sorry had to delete my post I'll tell you in person when I finally bring you and Briggs your baby present.

annilee said...

It's that dirty little mind of yours that got you five kids! Just kidding! Hope the kiddo's are doing well! And thanks for making me LOL!

Erin said...

Yep, that's exactly what I think when I drive up to your house: Stupid penis cactus! I'm sure Tyler is proud, right?

Tausha said...

Ok-laugh out loud plant life!! Crack me up!!

Jeannie said...

When we first went to the Springs Preserve, I happened to notice some cute little cactus and I couldn't help thinking, "Man, those look like boobies." I looked at the little plaque that says what kind of plant it is and laughed because they were called Mamillaria something or others. Apparently there is a whole genus of cacti called Mamillarias, yes as in mammaries, as in boobies. Here is a link just for fun. http://www.cactuslands.com/shop_plants_1a.htm Granted, yours are not the boobie cacti but I thought it was a funny comparison/coincidence.

Lori said...

That is hilarious and I have to agree with Belinda. If we had that in our yard, our HOA would be on us about getting the penis out of our yard. Too bad we can't just have grass anymore!
Thank you so much for the package. I laughed out loud when I opened it as the first thing was a cd. I had one on the computer to make you but my computer wasn't working to copy it. And look at you all crafty with the ribbon and tags!
Thanks again!

Troy and Nancee said...

I get to see those things every day too. We opted for the barrel cactus, which is a little less offensive.

Jen Rose said...

You are killing me! Hillarious post! Thanks for sharing.

Jen Rose said...

You are killing me! Hillarious post! Thanks for sharing.

Jenn S. said...

oh so funny. That reminds me of a picture I saw in a forwarded email one time where some shrubbery (not cacti) looked completely anatomically correct. I'd try and google it, but I'm afraid of what might come up.

:)

Julie said...

too funny . I also have 5 kids too.

chanel said...

uh, has it been 6 weeks since you had Briggs???? Im just syaing, MAYBE its time....

YOU KILL ME!!! I LOVE IT!