Monday, March 23, 2009

Peace and Love

Issues. I've got issues. I know, I know, most everyone who reads this and knows me is probably thinking, "GIRRRRRLL, WHO! Doesn't she have issues!" And because I have issues I spend a lot of time in self-analysis and self-debate about what to worry about and what to let go. Sometimes I get frustrated enough that I just want to quit fighting the fight to be a good person and a virtuous person and an all-around healthy person . . . it's just a lot of work to overcome the natural me. I know I'm much more of an instant-gratification kind of gal, and I'll tell ya, the inch-by-inch . . . NO . . . the millimeter-by-millemeter progress that I make gets to me. It doesn't help that I inadvertantly will UNDO a lot of my personal progress by making some stupid choice that doesn't correspond with the person I want to be. Unfortunately it is the dumb, rash, and impromptu choices that I make by which I judge myself. Since that is my report card I know, especially lately, I have been pretty much failing "self-improvement 101."

One of the things I'm grateful for is a belief that God hears my prayers. I know He has seen me struggle the past month or so with my "issues" and, of course, right before I feel like I'm going to be completely torn apart I have had some tender mercies sent my way. Tender mercies are the little gifts from God that He sends my way to let me know He hears my pleas and sees my frustrations. I know God parents in that super-effective way of subtle messaging when it comes to the way He deals with me, His daughter.

I have been an angry person lately. I have spent a lot of time recently trying to figure out why I'm so angry since I was lashing out at those who were closest to me (yes, sympathy for my husband and family would be appropriate here!) without realizing that I wasn't really angry at/with them; they were just easy scapegoats for my bad mood that was caused by something else all together. I mean, yes, I was upset that Tyler fell asleep during family night last week, but was it worth the cataclysmic meltdown I finally had on Wednesday? No. Did I blame said meltdown on Tyler? You bet your sweet bippy. Poor guy.

See, the real issue was MY issue. I learned a long time ago that anger is a secondary emotion. We always feel something else before we feel angry, but often times it's the anger that is so easily conveyed and spewed. So what are my primary emotions that have resulted in my anger?
  • I've concluded that I am FRUSTRATED at myself for expecting things to be a certain way and when it got all switched up, the changes threw my world all skee-wamp-is. I feel I have had a hard time getting my feet underneath me. I like to have a vision. I like to know the plan. I have learned before that I shouldn't expect it to all work out just so because it doesn't always do that, but I guess lately I've had another pretty strong reminder that my lesson in remembering that is still being taught. Nonetheless, I am frustrated with how everything has affected our lives and the lives of our loved ones.
  • I have also decided that I am WORRIED that I am not doing enough for my kids to mold them into wonderful human beings, teaching them life principles amongst their ABC's and 123's, and showing them how to love and serve unconditionally.
  • I've noticed I am NEGLECTED. I haven't been servicing my soul. I too easily mutter a prayer while I'm on the go instead of kneeling with a humble heart to actually converse with the Lord; I am too busy to stop and study scriptures or good books because I am facebooking or catching up on my DVR'd shows; I slip into conversations talking about other people and casually pass judgement about them without noticing how the tone of negativity has been affecting my own spirit; and I have railed against misjudgements about my character, my church, our government under the cover of "standing up for myself" without practicing the Christian courage to turn the other cheek, and I think that has brought me down a bit.

A couple of my girlfriends brought up some interesting points for me to think about, and I think they were shared with me as part of a "tender mercy" shower. Firstly, I need to have more love and peace in my life and that starts with me. The economy is not going to fix itself overnight and my kids will probably be hitting and whining tomorrow. BUT, how I choose to address those things will be the difference in me not being an angry woman any longer. Secondly, I need to decide what I want to "hang my hat" on. Is there something in my life that I take pride in? And more importantly, is what defines me a worthwhile purpose in my life? Do I hang my hat on my weight, or my husband's salary, how perky [or soo not perky] my boobs are, the talents my kids have in comparison to others' kids??? I think I have been "hanging my hat" on those hooks and I just don't think that's doing it for me. I don't think that's where it's at. To hang my hat. So, I'm going to try and decide what my ultimate focus needs to be for ME.

It's kinda like asking myself how I want others to consider me when they die, I guess. How sad would it be for them to recognize all my shallow pursuits (especially of late)? I just want to be better. I want to be out of this funk. I want to be full of peace and love. And not angry any more!

10 comments:

Jessi McCall said...

I think you need a cheat day! :)

The Fatman said...

Wow Sarah I am sorry your in a funk. I think that your a wonderful person and perhaps what you need to do is spend a night out with me. To THE GAY BAR!!!!

The Fatman said...

oh yeah and call me my phone dropped in the pool and I have no numbers and I wanna chat with you and thank you for totally solving a fight I was having with my other half with out even knowing it and being that awesome person you are!!!

Amy Barlow said...

Sometimes it is so hard to find that silver lining in the dark cloud of life. I know it is there, we just have to have the faith we will find it.

Donna said...

I know you are not alone in your feelings, Sarah! What I love about you is that you're willing to put it all out there when most would be too prideful to even admit they had those feelings. The fact that you think about how you're doing as a mother, wife, and daughter of God, and make a conscious decision to be better, says so much about who you really are. Love ya'!

Liz - Jess said...

What a great post! You are a great writer. Maybe that defines YOU! Whether you meant to or not, you have me thinking about things. When I get in my "funk," that is when I have to shut out everyone but my own little family. When it becomes all about us again, then I find the strength to deal with all the lessons life will constantly throw at me. :-)

fab1fab1 said...

I know we all have our bad days, bad weeks,bad months, so don't feel alone. you know already how blessed you are. But we are also human and sometimes coping just doesn't happen 24/7. You have a very sweet spirit, it's just to hard not to loved you to death. Don't be so hard on yourself. Thats why we have family and friends to help us through.(you'll find your best support on you're knees) and don't forget to forgive yourself. Hang in there, this too shall pass.

Jeannie said...

I just love that you used the word skee-wamp-us! It is a great word. Oh yeah, and just for the record, I am going to change the names in this post and copy and paste it onto mine. Not really, but I could because I hear ya!

chanel said...

you are really amazing! do you know how many people "hang their hats" on things that don't matter and NEVER REALIZE it? Not only are you making great changes, but you're doing WITH the appreciation & no doubt help of the Lord and so many peaceful blessings will fill that void you feel. can i just say too though- weight, money, and nonperky boobs are very much at the top of my "are you kidding" list! love you & your honesty & genuineness. you're one in a million!

Jenn S. said...

Sarah - all this self-awareness is incredible! I think we all go through those rough patches and I know that much of what you have written I have felt too. Sometimes it takes some major humbling to get to that sort of self-discovery.

Bravo to you! Here's to making positive changes (I'm trying to also!).

xoxox

And also everything Chanel said . . .