Now, as for the permenance of my decision. I have prayed. I have sought the confirmation that our family is complete and I won't be facing unborn children in the afterlife. (I don't even know if that will really happen or not anyway!) I can't make heads or tails of the feelings; here's a sampling of thoughts constantly swirling: [A.) We are always blessed when we have had our kids, especially with happiness and laughter, so we should have more. B.) More than four kids is too many to give the attention to each of them as they (will and do) need. C.) Would I be trying to be prove something other than my insanity, like the peer-pressure to have a big family proves anything more than a bigger grocery bill . D.) Sure we could have more, but if that's the rationale, why stop at all? ETC.] Basically, I had to turn it over to Tyler to ultimately decide because I have pretty much decided that my pre-birthing (a.k.a. pregnancy) days are over; that Tyler will have to find another young thang to in-utero/birth the rest of his children. But with that, let me share that I do not have bad pregnancies, I am fairly normal physically, but MENTALLY I about went over the edge with Brock and handling the rest of life at the same time, so . . . I haven't gotten real jazzed since about being pregnant again. And I know that probably sounds ungrateful, so let me also say that I know it is an amazing blessing to be able to have healthy kids. But in all honesty, Tyler says I am about the only pre-partum depressed person he has known as opposed to the post-partum that has received so much coverage the past couple years. I have kinda come to the conclusion that adoption and/or fostering in a couple years would be a win-win solution for everyone. Lots of love and blessings - NO pregnancy psycosis. So, I have made appointments for Tyler to be vasectom-ized (which he backed out of twice), have positive-thought that maybe my one ovary would stop working, and had NUMEROUS conversations about the pros and cons of long-term birth control with all my girlfriends. All of that effort has produced no further definite decisions, and so. . .
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED:
Yes, Yes, Yes friends and family, the Barlows are expecting Baby #5 sometime next year. I have no idea when next year because we are still trying to wrap our brains around how this happened. YES, I know HOW it happened, but not when or, well, how we ended up in that small percentage of failure rate OR how our methods of ten years failed us. But, either way, IT IS WHAT IT IS, and we're happy about it . . . we think. I AM KIDDING, of course we are thrilled. We told the grandparents tonight and they seemed amused. Really, they laughed and smiled, etc. Kenzie came out of her bed for the millionth time while I was working on this post and I showed her the picture. Once she figured it wasn't Tyler who was pregnant (still haven't had that in-depth birds and bees talk yet), she asked all sorts of questions and was happy enough to get a little teary about it (in a good way.) On her way to her room, she stopped and pumped her fist, "YES! A sleepover at the grandmas pretty soon." Me and Kenz are hoping girl and Tyler's vote is boy; it'll be interesting to find out from the other kids in the morning what they think. I suspect they'll all be a little bummed, like Tyler was tonight, when they realize a dog won't be in our future until Barlow #5 is potty-trained. But what's a dog when you get a new baby brother or sister, right?
Agh! Yeah, my head is spinning. I know I am just barely pregnant, so I hope your prayers will be with us as we start on this nine month journey again. I am always nervous about sharing so early with the risk of miscarriages, handicaps, or multiples, but know at the same time that the Lord won't give us anything we can't handle. OBVIOUSLY!, right?! It will be my mantre for the next three trimesters. Yup, big 'ol HIGH FIVE for the Barlows :) Who'd a thunk it?