Monday, December 10, 2007

The Boob Post

There's been lots going on this past weekend, but it's getting late and I haven't downloaded any of my pictures, so I thought I'd share one little tidbit of my weekend for your morning reading pleasure. PLUS, Tyler is watching that new show on A&E called "Paranormal" and I have NO interest in watching a scary TV show before bed. It's all about people and ghosts (most, apparantly, who aren't happy about this research group investigating-I mean the ghosts aren't happy.) Ew.

SO, here's my boob post. If it's uncomfortable for you to read about my boobs, you may want to click on a different link. (Like YOU, Elder Garrard) And just because I don't want you to feel awkward, here's a couple blogs to browse (and where you can get a good update on the cousin's party last Friday night since I was lame and didn't take hardly ANY pics, but these good relatives-o-mine have covered it extensively): Erin, Jerolyn, Kourtney, Rick, and Tyler (Tyler's got video, but it also has to do with boobs, but they're Stacy's boobs, so if that's more comfortable make sure and watch his last video clip from his phone.) Anyway, enough with the disclaimer, on with the boob post.

I think I first realized I was "well-endowed" when a friend of mine told me (once we were in high school) that the only reason this older guy was nice to me (when we were in junior high) was because I was one of the only girl to develop an over-abundance of boobage before high school. Ever since then it has been a fact of life, a natural state of being, a package deal, that I have big boobs. It hasn't affected me too negatively; I don't feel like I flaunt my assets unnecessarily; nor do I feel like that's all I have going in my favor. If anything, I guess, it has made me feel more womanly, proportioned (let's face it, at 5'10 with hefty hips and long ski feet, I need SOMETHING to balance me out), and the entire ensemble caught Tyler's attention - so THAT was a bonus for which I could give credit to me ta-tas.

When I was young (that was a decade + ago) I never thought about breast augmentation or anything like that UNTIL I started having kids. I noticed right away with my pregnancy with Mackenzie that my belly wasn't the only thing that grew. The boob-age grew, too, and I gave a lot of the "you don't even look that pregnant" comments credit to my big chest because everything beneath the giant boulders looked small in comparison (including my swollen stomach, butt, and thighs.) Prenancy, though, had nothing on breastfeeding and when my milk came in, all I can say is . . . well, Tyler said it best . . . "Those are beyond attractive." Again, nothing really to complain about in this department, I should (as some of my girlfriends remind me) feel blessed to be an engorged cow with over-flowing utters on demand with each of my kids. And I do. Let's hear it for La Leche Barlow and her abundance, right? WRONG, because the aftermath of nursing has been a little devestating to the big boobs. I think I shared before how Brevin asked me why my boobs went down when I took off my bra?! Yeah, that's pretty much putting it mildly. I am not kidding, people, when I say I should be on a National Geographic cover as the white tribeswoman who's breasts dangle below her belly button. Okay, maybe it's not that bad, but if I had to do the pencil test (a supposed test as to whether you need a breast lift determined on whether or not you can hold a pencil in place with your boob) I would be holding an 8 pack of yellow no. 2's. It's not a lovely picture, and all I can say is let's hear it for the invention of the bra, yes, the Over-The-Shoulder-Boulder-Holder has come in handy ever since I stopped taking it off and hiding it in my Teddy Ruxpin lunchbox in 5th grade. I don't leave home without it. I will hardly ever answer the door without one on. I won't let Tyler take my picture if I've taken off my brasierre. In fact, in high school, when on our choir's trip to Hawaii and the fire alarm went off late at night, what am I doing as I run down the stairwell? Putting on my bra. I'm a fan, it does it's job. And ladies, yes! A good bra fitting and worthy bra is worth it's weight in, well, pretty much breast tissue, but we'll say gold and you get the picture.

So why all the boob talk? I guess after Saturday afternoon's events I pondered my current breast-icular circumstance and it left me reflective. Here's why. Saturday was a busy day. We woke up and took the kids to our ward's breakfast with Santa and then rushed off to Brevin's last soccer game (insert singing angels here since it's getting way too cold for soccer games.) After the game Tyler took the kids home and I went to ElRae's for our last calendar scrapbooking class of the year (again, insert angels). Right after that I picked up my cousin Kaitlyn and she babysat while Tyler and I had a date afternoon. The temple was closing for the Christmas holiday and since Tyler and I haven't done a session lately we decided we needed to make a trip up to Sunrise Mountain and experience all the glorious calming effects of being in a House of the Lord. Once at the temple, I'm supposed to change out of my street clothes into white clothing (nylons, slip, dress, etc.) right? No prob. I have a few minutes until the session starts . . . [if you have more questions about the LDS temple and sessions, etc. you should check out this site!] . . . and I have the changing thing down pat UNTIL I pull of my black T-shirt and realize/remember that I was wearing a bright turquoise blue bra.

NOW, you may have a couple questions going through your head at this point? #1) Why were you, Sarah, wearing a bright turquoise blue bra? A) BECAUSE my boobs have gotten so big that it's about the only one that I don't spill out of, pucker out of, or sag in. [Yes, Chris, this is the bra that you couldn't believe would fit on my chest cuz you said the cups were the sizes of a hat at the VS in CA, but they fit my girls just right!] #2) Why would you have a bright turquoise bra anyway? A) BECAUSE when I was on a girls' trip and spent a lot of money, I thought it would be good retribution to Tyler (and his bank account) if I brought him home something that added it my lingerie stash #3) Why is it such a big deal to where a bright turquoise blue bra to the temple? A) Because the temple exemplifies everything that is unflashy and a colored bra showing through both a slip AND dress would be like wearing a neon sign across my chest. Not very reverent, I suppose. I was totally sweating it in the dressing room contemplating my options. And that took a while. And I knew Tyler had already changed and was waiting for me, but I couldn't figure how to not walk out to get his opinion about the situation without bringing attention to my bra. SO, in all humility I took off the bright turquoise blue bra, tried to lift the suckers where they belonged, crossed my arms tightly so I looked really uber-reverent and headed out to find Tyler. This is what he says when he sees me, "GEEZ, did ja get lost or somethin'?" There was this older lady standing right there and we WERE in the temple, so I smiled nicely and said, "No, let's just go sit down and wait for the next session." Once we were in the pew, I confessed my predicament, he totally thought it was funny, and I was continued sweatin' it the whole time we did the session. Tyler was making comments like, "Honey, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, don't worry about it." To which I answered, "NO! Beauty is the level of your boulders!" Or he'd say, "It's kinda hot that you have one less layer on." And I'd roll my eyes and remind him WE WERE IN THE TEMPLE! I just KNEW I was gonna see someone I was going to know and they would automatically have noticed my low-slung chest. IT WAS SO STRESSFUL! And, of course, when you're self-conscious of something you totally think everyone is staring at it. AGHH!! It was SO embarrassing. I couldn't have gotten out of there more quickly and back in to my bright turquoise blue bra.

SO, that's my boob post. The moral of the story is somewhere out there, but I think I will just try to think out my bra selection for an entire day's activities a little better in the days to come. I know it will get worse before it gets better (hello, engorgement #5 coming this spring) and I will be mail-ordering the special sizes that stores don't even carry because it's ma girls are so freakishly big, but such is my life, and my boobs, and since I'm kind of attached to 'em, I'll make the most of it. Even if it means bright turquoise blue bras!

19 comments:

Erin said...

'Kay, I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you...okay, maybe a little bit AT you. At least you were in the temple & supposed to be really reverent so you could walk around like a cute little Sunbeam with your arms folded tight & nobody would think you were too terribly strange. Sorry I can't commiserate with you on the big boob issues...I got nuthin'. Seriously, nuthin. You know that. If I forgot my bra or had to take off my bright turquoise bra (which I don't even own any bras in any bright color...way to spice it up, girl!) sadly, nobody would even notice. Why couldn't there just be a happy medium in our family??? We've got both ends of the extreme going on!

The Fatman said...

Wow this post is really elfing disturbing.

Jerolyn said...

I feel ya sista..... I feel ya! When mere aquaintences start telling you "Your boobs look really big today" It's time to either kill yourself OR head straight to Dillards for a minimizer or 2 like I did!

Jerolyn said...

and for that matter why is it ever ok to say that to someone(other than family right Sarah)?

I would never say to someone
"WoW your butt sure looks huge today"
or
"Geez, those saddle bags of yours sure are lookin' hefty~Look Out!" NOT A COMPLIMENT PEOPLE.
Huge boobs are NOT considered "FUN BAGS" to those of us who have to carry them around with us 24/7!

Tyler said...

I truly am at a loss for words here. After picking myself up off the floor from laughter, I really don't know what to say, other than I am proud you stayed. I would have left, my excuse being "the moode is ruined, anyway." Wow.

Leslie S. said...

Ok, not as endowed as yall, but same situation. Went to the temple, BLACK bra, then asked to that special couple in front of everyone. I have never been so embarrassed.

Jerolyn said...

Gives a whole new meaning to taking out your "endowments"
does n' tit???

barlows said...

Alright, Jer, that last comment ca-racked me up! I am really feeling your support . . . high-end, durable, well-built, minimizer support. I DID almost include in my post how last week at Cafe Rio you commented on my girls growing size, but since you're family and it is allowed, I didn't think it was note-worthy. Love ya!

Kourtney said...

I completely understand!!! I too have had big boobs forever and I can't say I hate 'em (I actually LOVE them). In high school my nickname was DD Darrington (ya, I'm REAL proud of that one!) when in fact I was a full (perky) C. NOW, I'm a DD and not so perky and my bra has become my best friend. I even have sleeping bra's. Beat that! I am very rarely found not wearing a bra. I've already told Frankie when I'm done having children I'm getting a lift and an augmentation (to go with my tummy tuck). You, Jerolyn and myself should start a support group- no pun intended!

Jenn S. said...

Sigh. If only there were some of donation system . . . I would gladly take an extra cup size or two off your hands (or shoulders as it may be).

PS - I think they have sports bra type things that you can use in the temple - I remember wearing them under the jumpsuits for baptisms.

Chanel said...

this is sooooo great! I bought my first black bra just the other day b/c I noticed my however old (white) one was not holding in/up the wealth, but turquoise??? wow- you're hot. I must say though I don't have the love for bras you have, especially when pregnant! I don't know how many times I taught without a bra when I was pregnant- just wore layers to hide the social faux pas. WHATEVER people! A pg girl deserves some comfort- and for you my dear if thats a turquoise bra, by all means indulge. You are so hilarious! And that pencil test is ridiculous- maybe if you can hold like, I don't know, your offspring under your boobage, yeah that might be a sign, but pencil(s)? If you can't hold a pencil thats the bigger problem right?

Erin said...

Thanks, Chanel! I've got problems...my 4 offspring have so graciously diminished my boobage after each one of them (not that I had any to spare in the first place!) so there is now no way I could even hold 1 pencil. It's a good thing I don't foresee a #5 in my future--I'm pretty sure I would be concave if I had any more!

Julie said...

Erin, back me up on this one: FLAT RULES!!

barlows said...

Now Julie, we don't need to make this a haves versus the have nots!

The Hulls said...

Hilarious!!

Troy and Nancee said...

Okay, I never heard about that pencil test, but what if you couldn't pass that test before you had babies? (: I guess there are advantages to being less endowed.

The Rowles said...

All I have to say is my trip to Dr. Nunnery is the best I have ever made! And in 10 years when gravity and taken hold again I will do it again! Yahoo for answering the door with no bra and no sagging. And not to brag (okay just a little)Can you say Big C and I pass the pencil test. The best part was the super husband I had during recovery I would do it again just for that!

candice said...

TOTALLY get everything you are saying here -- i really feel for ya. while i didn't have the awesome excuse of breastfeeding, i did have my body size double and half and double and half enough times that my poor little breasteses said, "we're out of here". so by age 25 not only could i hold a pack of pencils, but probably a whole can of tuna. and...so when i began to regularly recognize myself in national geographic i took action. and let me just tell you - BEST thing ever. whenyou get to the point of considering it, give me a ring and i'll convince you the rest of the way.!! even my only breastfeeding attempt really couldn't break my new "girls" spirit :)

Amy said...

I just wanted to comment on the number of comments this topic brought out! :)